Lillian Hsiao
Hi everyone, my name is Lillian and I’m currently a senior at USC. I grew up in Los Angeles, going to CBCWLA, and believed in God at a very young age. However, I’d say it’s been my time in college where I’ve really gotten to understand God’s grace and my own sin more. Today, I want to share a recent story of how God brought me to a deeper understanding of his mercy.
This story takes place in Taiwan where I studied abroad last semester. I’ve always wanted to study abroad in Taiwan because I have a lot of extended family there that do not know Jesus. I wanted a more long-term chance to share Jesus’ love with them.
Before leaving LA, my plan was to be a bold and victorious soldier for Christ. However, little did I know that that was not exactly what God had planned for me. Not long after I arrived, I began experiencing some of the most difficult moments of my faith in God.
Before Taiwan, a tiny part of me had been questioning the concept of God’s justice because someone I cared about deeply seemed to be walking farther and farther away from God. This questioning amplified 100 times when I moved across the world, away from the distractions of my daily routine and away from my church community for the first time. Being myself was a huge change that affected me emotionally and spiritually, and I began to question God in ways I never dared to before. For example, I started feeling that God was unfair, and even though I had occasionally thought this before, this time, it really bothered me. It seemed unfair that anyone—even people I disliked and even more so the people I loved— would be doomed to an eternity in hell. What sin could be so big? I felt that if I were God, I would be merciful and not subject anyone, no matter what they did, to hell.
Slowly these thoughts morphed my perspective into one that was centered around ME. I saw what was just and loving through my own eyes, and God slowly began to become unmerciful, not wholly good, or not even good at all. Many times, I would be walking alone and as I saw the unfamiliar faces around me, I would think, “God, where are you in all of these people’s lives?” When I didn’t hear an answer, another wave of frustration would wash over me and I felt more and more distant from God.
This kind of thinking continued, coming and going for a while. Sometimes I would be encouraged through scripture I read here and there, but I still wasn’t fully convinced. By God’s grace, however, towards the end of April, he used a series of different moments to really humble my heart.
The first one was during one of my walks home, in typical, rainy Taipei weather. That day, I was particularly frustrated. “Jesus, where are you in all this?”; I said out loud in exasperation. However, this time, even before I finished that thought, another thought rang loud and clear: “You. You are supposed to be Jesus” presence in all this.” I paused, surprised because that thought had never occurred to me before in all of my questioning. Immediately, I understood that it was a reminder that I am to be God’s tangible presence in this world. Although I was complaining that God was not doing anything in the world, He in fact was and one aspect of him working is through Christians who are supposed to be his light in the darkness. But, even as I recognized that as a reminder from the Holy Spirit, my heart was still hardened and in the moment I was not yet humbled.
A couple days later, I was still in the mindset that God was not working. I was sitting in front of my university’s library with my friend, Joy, and I was telling her about my doubts. I told her, “I keep asking for God to show me that he is working and that he desires people to be saved but I don’t see enough”. And then, as we got up from the stairs, this random guy that I’ve never seen before comes up to my friend and tells her, “Hi Joy. Last time you said you went to church, right? I want to go to church with you.” In the moment I felt like crying because in the past decade of being a Christian, that had never happened to me before. For something like that to happen right after I had just told Joy that I felt like God wasn’t working seemed too crazy to be a coincidence. I slowly started to feel that even as I still had some doubts and struggles, God seemed to be giving me “just enough” to keep believing in him each day.
The last incident that really humbled me was in the beginning of May when I was eating breakfast and listening to a sermon. In the sermon, there was a passage from Isaiah 66 which said, “This is what the LORD says: “Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. Where is the house you will build for me? Where will my resting place be? 2 Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?” declares the LORD. “These are the ones I look on with favor: those who are humble and contrite in spirit, and who tremble at my word.”
When I heard this, it really cut to my heart, and I realized that I needed to humble myself. If God is the Lord of all creation and the earth is a mere footstool to him and I am a mere speck on this earth, how small am I compared to Him? How can I even come before Him and accuse him of not being good? Who am I to demand God to prove himself to me? The speaker talked about how the Israelites had been crying out to God to answer them, but God’s answer was that it wasn’t that he had rejected them first; it was that God had given them his words but they rejected Him. In that moment, I realized my sinfulness and my prayer changed from “God, I need you to show me that you are working; why aren’t you answering me” to “God, you are so much greater than me. Please help me to just obey you before I ask you to show me more.” And from that prayer, I started feeling this shift in my heart, a shift that I knew could not have come by myself.
From that day on, I started seeing so many different ways that God had been working in the lives of those around me. Instead of thinking, wow, how can God condemn people to eternity from him, I started being in awe of how we are condemned already because of our sin yet God still gives us life on earth. I started being in awe of how I am so undeserving of God yet God has still saved me. Instead of blaming God for how my family members do not believe, I started praising him for how he has blessed them with so many good things in their life even in their rejection of him. I started praising him for how what I see as impossible is possible in Him.
And that is what I want to give thanks to God for and give glory to God for today. Praise God for the mercy and grace he has shown us. Praise God for the moments of grace that we have in this current life to know Him and to love Him and to love others. Praise God that He is the one who sustains us through doubts and trials, and that He is the one who changes our hearts. Praise God that if we just lean into humility and ask God for His perspective, He listens to us and will open our eyes. For heaven is His throne and earth is His footstool. Has not His hand made all these things and so they came into being?
Praise be to God. Thank you.
當神謙卑我心，重見祂的憐憫
Lillian Hsiao
我叫Lillian，目前是USC的大四學生。
我從小在洛杉磯長大，常常去教會，很小的時候就信神。不過，我覺得真正讓我對神的恩典和自己的罪有更深刻理解的，還是在大學期間。今天，我想分享一個最近發生的故事，講述神如何帶領我更深刻地領悟祂的憐憫。
這個故事發生在台灣，我上學期在那裡交換學習。我一直很想去台灣留學，因為我在那裡有很多親戚，他們還不認識耶穌。我真的很想有機會和他們分享耶穌的愛。在離開洛杉磯之前，我計劃成為一名勇敢而得勝的基督戰士，但我當時並不知道，這並非神為我預備的計劃。抵達台灣不久，我就開始經歷信仰上最艱難的時刻。
在去台灣之前，我內心深處就對神的公義有所懷疑，因為我非常在乎的人似乎離神越來越遠。當我搬到地球的另一端，遠離日常生活的喧囂，第一次離開教會團體後，這種懷疑被放大了百倍。獨處對我來說是一個巨大的改變，它影響了我的情感和精神，我開始以前所未有的方式質疑神。例如，我開始覺得神不公平，這讓我非常困擾。任何人，即使是我不喜歡的人，都要永遠送入地獄，這似乎很不公平。究竟是什麼樣的罪孽如此深重？我覺得如果我是神，我會仁慈，不會讓任何人——無論他們做了什麼，下地獄。
漸漸地，這些想法改變了我的視角，讓我以自我為中心。我開始用自己的眼光看待公義和愛，而我眼中的神漸漸變得冷酷無情，不再那麼良善，甚至根本就不是良善的。很多時候，我獨自一人走在路上，看著周圍陌生的面孔，我會想：「神啊，在這些人的生活中，你在哪裡？」當我聽不到回應時，又一陣沮喪湧上心頭，我感到自己與神越來越疏遠。
這種想法持續了一段時間，時而出現，時而消失。有時，我會從讀到的經文中獲得一些鼓勵，但我仍然無法完全信服。然而，靠著神的恩典，在四月底，祂透過一連串不同的時刻真正地謙卑了我的心。
第一個時刻是在一次回家的路上，台北典型的雨天。那天，我格外沮喪。「耶穌，你究竟在哪裡？」我沮喪地大聲說。然而，這一次，我還來不及想完，另一個念頭就清晰地響起：「你。你應該在這一切中代表耶穌。」我停頓了一下，感到驚訝，因為在我之前的種種疑問中，我從未想到過這一點。我立刻明白，這是在提醒我，我應該成為神在這個世界上切實臨在的見證。雖然我一直在抱怨神在這個世界上無所作為，但事實上祂一直在做，而祂的作為之一就是透過基督徒，基督徒應該成為祂在黑暗中的光。但是，即使我意識到這是聖靈的提醒，我的心仍然剛硬，那一刻我還沒有謙卑下來。
幾天後，我仍然覺得神沒有動工。我和朋友Joy坐在大學圖書館前，我跟她傾訴我的疑惑。我說：「我一直在祈求神讓我看到祂的作為，看到祂渴望人們得救，但我感覺不到足夠的跡象。」就在我們走下樓梯的時候，一個我從未見過的陌生人走到我朋友面前，說：「嗨，Joy。你上次說你去教會了，對吧？我想和你一起去。」那一刻我幾乎要哭了，因為在過去十年的基督徒生涯中從未發生過。就在我剛剛告訴Joy我覺得神沒有動工之後，就發生了這樣的事，這太不可思議了，不可能是巧合。我漸漸開始覺得，即使我仍然有一些疑惑和掙扎，神似乎每天都在給我「足夠的」信心，讓我繼續相信祂。
真正讓我感到謙卑的事發生在五月初，當時我正在吃早餐，聽人講道。講道中引用了以賽亞書66章的一段經文：「耶和華如此說：天是我的座位，地是我的腳凳，你們要為我造何等的殿宇？哪裡是我安息的地方呢？耶和華說：這一切都是我手所造的，所以就都有了。但我所看顧的就是虛心、痛悔、因我話而戰兢的人。」
聽到這些話，我深受觸動，意識到自己需要謙卑。如果神是萬物的主宰，大地在祂眼中不過是腳凳，而我在這世上不過是塵埃，那麼與祂相比，我又是多麼渺小？我怎敢來到祂面前，指責祂不夠良善？我有什麼資格要求神向我證明自己？牧師講到以色列人曾向神呼求，但神的回答並非是祂先拒絕了他們，而是祂已經賜給他們話語，他們卻拒絕了祂。那一刻，我意識到自己的罪性，我的禱告也從「神，我需要你向我證明你在動工；你為什麼不回應我」變成了「神，你遠比我偉大。請幫助我先順服你，然後再向你祈求更多。」正是從那次禱告開始，我感受到內心的轉變，我知道這轉變絕非我自身努力所能促成。從那天起，我開始看到神在我周圍人的生命中以各種不同的方式動工。我不再想著「哇，神怎麼能把人永遠與祂隔絕呢？」，而是開始敬畏我們因罪已被定罪，但神仍然賜予我們生命。我開始敬畏自己是多麼不配得到神的恩典，但神仍然拯救了我。我不再因我的家人不信而責怪神，我開始讚美祂，因為即使在他們拒絕祂的時候，神仍然賜給他們許多美好的事物。我開始讚美祂，因為在祂裡面，我所認為不可能的事都是可能的。
這就是我今天想要感謝神、榮耀神的原因。讚美神，感謝祂向我們顯明的憐憫和恩典。讚美神，感謝祂賜給我們今生認識祂、愛祂、愛他人的恩典時刻。讚美神，感謝祂扶持我們度過疑惑和試煉，感謝祂改變我們的心。感謝神，只要我們謙卑地祈求祂的指引，祂必垂聽，並開啟我們的雙眼。因為天是祂的寶座，地是祂的腳凳。這一切豈不是祂親手所造，使萬物得以存在嗎？
讚美神。
