Lillian Hsiao
Hi everyone, my name is Lillian and I’m currently a senior at USC. I grew up in Los Angeles, going to CBCWLA, and believed in God at a very young age. However, I’d say it’s been my time in college where I’ve really gotten to understand God’s grace and my own sin more. Today, I want to share a recent story of how God brought me to a deeper understanding of his mercy.
This story takes place in Taiwan where I studied abroad last semester. I’ve always wanted to study abroad in Taiwan because I have a lot of extended family there that do not know Jesus. I wanted a more long-term chance to share Jesus’ love with them.
Before leaving LA, my plan was to be a bold and victorious soldier for Christ. However, little did I know that that was not exactly what God had planned for me. Not long after I arrived, I began experiencing some of the most difficult moments of my faith in God.
Before Taiwan, a tiny part of me had been questioning the concept of God’s justice because someone I cared about deeply seemed to be walking farther and farther away from God. This questioning amplified 100 times when I moved across the world, away from the distractions of my daily routine and away from my church community for the first time. Being myself was a huge change that affected me emotionally and spiritually, and I began to question God in ways I never dared to before. For example, I started feeling that God was unfair, and even though I had occasionally thought this before, this time, it really bothered me. It seemed unfair that anyone—even people I disliked and even more so the people I loved— would be doomed to an eternity in hell. What sin could be so big? I felt that if I were God, I would be merciful and not subject anyone, no matter what they did, to hell.
Slowly these thoughts morphed my perspective into one that was centered around ME. I saw what was just and loving through my own eyes, and God slowly began to become unmerciful, not wholly good, or not even good at all. Many times, I would be walking alone and as I saw the unfamiliar faces around me, I would think, “God, where are you in all of these people’s lives?” When I didn’t hear an answer, another wave of frustration would wash over me and I felt more and more distant from God.
This kind of thinking continued, coming and going for a while. Sometimes I would be encouraged through scripture I read here and there, but I still wasn’t fully convinced. By God’s grace, however, towards the end of April, he used a series of different moments to really humble my heart.
The first one was during one of my walks home, in typical, rainy Taipei weather. That day, I was particularly frustrated. “Jesus, where are you in all this?”; I said out loud in exasperation. However, this time, even before I finished that thought, another thought rang loud and clear: “You. You are supposed to be Jesus” presence in all this.” I paused, surprised because that thought had never occurred to me before in all of my questioning. Immediately, I understood that it was a reminder that I am to be God’s tangible presence in this world. Although I was complaining that God was not doing anything in the world, He in fact was and one aspect of him working is through Christians who are supposed to be his light in the darkness. But, even as I recognized that as a reminder from the Holy Spirit, my heart was still hardened and in the moment I was not yet humbled.
A couple days later, I was still in the mindset that God was not working. I was sitting in front of my university’s library with my friend, Joy, and I was telling her about my doubts. I told her, “I keep asking for God to show me that he is working and that he desires people to be saved but I don’t see enough”. And then, as we got up from the stairs, this random guy that I’ve never seen before comes up to my friend and tells her, “Hi Joy. Last time you said you went to church, right? I want to go to church with you.” In the moment I felt like crying because in the past decade of being a Christian, that had never happened to me before. For something like that to happen right after I had just told Joy that I felt like God wasn’t working seemed too crazy to be a coincidence. I slowly started to feel that even as I still had some doubts and struggles, God seemed to be giving me “just enough” to keep believing in him each day.
The last incident that really humbled me was in the beginning of May when I was eating breakfast and listening to a sermon. In the sermon, there was a passage from Isaiah 66 which said, “This is what the LORD says: “Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. Where is the house you will build for me? Where will my resting place be? 2 Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?” declares the LORD. “These are the ones I look on with favor: those who are humble and contrite in spirit, and who tremble at my word.”
When I heard this, it really cut to my heart, and I realized that I needed to humble myself. If God is the Lord of all creation and the earth is a mere footstool to him and I am a mere speck on this earth, how small am I compared to Him? How can I even come before Him and accuse him of not being good? Who am I to demand God to prove himself to me? The speaker talked about how the Israelites had been crying out to God to answer them, but God’s answer was that it wasn’t that he had rejected them first; it was that God had given them his words but they rejected Him. In that moment, I realized my sinfulness and my prayer changed from “God, I need you to show me that you are working; why aren’t you answering me” to “God, you are so much greater than me. Please help me to just obey you before I ask you to show me more.” And from that prayer, I started feeling this shift in my heart, a shift that I knew could not have come by myself.
From that day on, I started seeing so many different ways that God had been working in the lives of those around me. Instead of thinking, wow, how can God condemn people to eternity from him, I started being in awe of how we are condemned already because of our sin yet God still gives us life on earth. I started being in awe of how I am so undeserving of God yet God has still saved me. Instead of blaming God for how my family members do not believe, I started praising him for how he has blessed them with so many good things in their life even in their rejection of him. I started praising him for how what I see as impossible is possible in Him.
And that is what I want to give thanks to God for and give glory to God for today. Praise God for the mercy and grace he has shown us. Praise God for the moments of grace that we have in this current life to know Him and to love Him and to love others. Praise God that He is the one who sustains us through doubts and trials, and that He is the one who changes our hearts. Praise God that if we just lean into humility and ask God for His perspective, He listens to us and will open our eyes. For heaven is His throne and earth is His footstool. Has not His hand made all these things and so they came into being?
Praise be to God. Thank you.
当神谦卑我心，重见祂的怜悯
Lillian Hsiao
我叫Lillian，目前是USC的大四学生。
我从小在洛杉矶长大，常常去教会，很小的时候就信神。不过，我觉得真正让我对神的恩典和自己的罪有更深刻理解的，还是在大学期间。今天，我想分享一个最近发生的故事，讲述神如何带领我更深刻地领悟祂的怜悯。
这个故事发生在台湾，我上学期在那里交换学习。我一直很想去台湾留学，因为我在那里有很多亲戚，他们还不认识耶稣。我真的很想有机会和他们分享耶稣的爱。在离开洛杉矶之前，我计划成为一名勇敢而得胜的基督战士，但我当时并不知道，这并非神为我预备的计划。抵达台湾不久，我就开始经历信仰上最艰难的时刻。
在去台湾之前，我内心深处就对神的公义有所怀疑，因为我非常在乎的人似乎离神越来越远。当我搬到地球的另一端，远离日常生活的喧嚣，第一次离开教会团体后，这种怀疑被放大了百倍。独处对我来说是一个巨大的改变，它影响了我的情感和精神，我开始以前所未有的方式质疑神。例如，我开始觉得神不公平，这让我非常困扰。任何人，即使是我不喜欢的人，都要永远送入地狱，这似乎很不公平。究竟是什么样的罪孽如此深重？我觉得如果我是神，我会仁慈，不会让任何人——无论他们做了什么，下地狱。
渐渐地，这些想法改变了我的视角，让我以自我为中心。我开始用自己的眼光看待公义和爱，而我眼中的神渐渐变得冷酷无情，不再那么良善，甚至根本就不是良善的。很多时候，我独自一人走在路上，看着周围陌生的面孔，我会想：「神啊，在这些人的生活中，你在哪里？」当我听不到回应时，又一阵沮丧涌上心头，我感到自己与神越来越疏远。
这种想法持续了一段时间，时而出现，时而消失。有时，我会从读到的经文中获得一些鼓励，但我仍然无法完全信服。然而，靠着神的恩典，在四月底，祂透过一连串不同的时刻真正地谦卑了我的心。
第一个时刻是在一次回家的路上，台北典型的雨天。那天，我格外沮丧。「耶稣，你究竟在哪里？」我沮丧地大声说。然而，这一次，我还来不及想完，另一个念头就清晰地响起：「你。你应该在这一切中代表耶稣。」我停顿了一下，感到惊讶，因为在我之前的种种疑问中，我从未想到过这一点。我立刻明白，这是在提醒我，我应该成为神在这个世界上切实临在的见证。虽然我一直在抱怨神在这个世界上无所作为，但事实上祂一直在做，而祂的作为之一就是透过基督徒，基督徒应该成为祂在黑暗中的光。但是，即使我意识到这是圣灵的提醒，我的心仍然刚硬，那一刻我还没有谦卑下来。
几天后，我仍然觉得神没有动工。我和朋友Joy坐在大学图书馆前，我跟她倾诉我的疑惑。我说：「我一直在祈求神让我看到祂的作为，看到祂渴望人们得救，但我感觉不到足够的迹象。」就在我们走下楼梯的时候，一个我从未见过的陌生人走到我朋友面前，说：「嗨，Joy。你上次说你去教会了，对吧？我想和你一起去。」那一刻我几乎要哭了，因为在过去十年的基督徒生涯中从未发生过。就在我刚刚告诉Joy我觉得神没有动工之后，就发生了这样的事，这太不可思议了，不可能是巧合。我渐渐开始觉得，即使我仍然有一些疑惑和挣扎，神似乎每天都在给我「足够的」信心，让我继续相信祂。
真正让我感到谦卑的事发生在五月初，当时我正在吃早餐，听人讲道。讲道中引用了以赛亚书66章的一段经文：「耶和华如此说：天是我的座位，地是我的脚凳，你们要为我造何等的殿宇？哪里是我安息的地方呢？耶和华说：这一切都是我手所造的，所以就都有了。但我所看顾的就是虚心、痛悔、因我话而战兢的人。」
听到这些话，我深受触动，意识到自己需要谦卑。如果神是万物的主宰，大地在祂眼中不过是脚凳，而我在这世上不过是尘埃，那么与祂相比，我又是多么渺小？我怎敢来到祂面前，指责祂不够良善？我有什么资格要求神向我证明自己？牧师讲到以色列人曾向神呼求，但神的回答并非是祂先拒绝了他们，而是祂已经赐给他们话语，他们却拒绝了祂。那一刻，我意识到自己的罪性，我的祷告也从「神，我需要你向我证明你在动工；你为什么不回应我」变成了「神，你远比我伟大。请帮助我先顺服你，然后再向你祈求更多。」正是从那次祷告开始，我感受到内心的转变，我知道这转变绝非我自身努力所能促成。从那天起，我开始看到神在我周围人的生命中以各种不同的方式动工。我不再想着「哇，神怎么能把人永远与祂隔绝呢？」，而是开始敬畏我们因罪已被定罪，但神仍然赐予我们生命。我开始敬畏自己是多么不配得到神的恩典，但神仍然拯救了我。我不再因我的家人不信而责怪神，我开始赞美祂，因为即使在他们拒绝祂的时候，神仍然赐给他们许多美好的事物。我开始赞美祂，因为在祂里面，我所认为不可能的事都是可能的。
这就是我今天想要感谢神、荣耀神的原因。赞美神，感谢祂向我们显明的怜悯和恩典。赞美神，感谢祂赐给我们今生认识祂、爱祂、爱他人的恩典时刻。赞美神，感谢祂扶持我们度过疑惑和试炼，感谢祂改变我们的心。感谢神，只要我们谦卑地祈求祂的指引，祂必垂听，并开启我们的双眼。因为天是祂的宝座，地是祂的脚凳。这一切岂不是祂亲手所造，使万物得以存在吗？
赞美神。
