Ada Lee
這是關於耶穌基督如何救贖我的見證故事，但請不要誤解我，我並非誇大其詞，耶穌確實拯救了我們所有人的罪孽。能夠分享我的故事，就是上帝的一個奇蹟。
實在難以理解這一切是如何開始的。我在一個充滿愛的、完整的、看似完美的基督教家庭中長大。我的父親是一位牧師，他在我童年時期全職在一間教會工作。在童年時，我每晚聆聽聖經故事，與媽媽一起進行靈修。我清楚地記得，誠實和正直是我們家庭的重要價值觀，因為我們相信「你可以欺騙老師和父母，但上帝總是知道真相。你無法隱藏, 你只能順服。」 我在青少年時期每個星期日都去教會，參加兒童主日學。我一直相信上帝是真實的，耶穌確實為我們的罪而死，並從死裡復活。我也接受了效仿基督為使命，盡我所能地過著像基督一樣的生活。總之，我是一個被基督徒包圍的好孩子，在一個基督徒的環境中長大，甚至上基督教學校。我沉浸在上帝的愛中，感到自己非常蒙福。
儘管我衷心相信基督，卻直到高中時我才真正感受到他的存在。大多數時間，上帝似乎只是我隨機祈禱的一個實體，我為食物感謝他，而不是像聖經中所描繪的慈愛父親那樣。我渴望與他建立更深的連結，我祈求能夠感受到某種東西，希望能被聖靈觸動，然而似乎沒有任何事情能引發這種感覺。當時作為一個青少年，我無法理解為什麼會如此。我經常看到人們在講道、讚美、受洗以及分享見證時流淚。我非常渴望能有這樣的經歷。
日子一天天過去，似乎什麼都沒有發生。去教會變成只是例行公事和責任。我將教會視為一個工作場所，而不是一個與耶穌基督建立連結的神聖聖所。隨著我在教會的職責不斷增加，我意識到引導年輕人走向基督的重要性，我知道上帝賜予我改變生命的力量，但我卻不知道如何運用這個能力，如何使用我的口舌來讚美上帝的名。隨著時間的流逝，我開始失去祈禱的意願，也不再打開聖經；大部分時間，我幾乎忘記了自己是一個基督徒，就像任何其他人一樣生活。我曾經相信我的生命命運將掌握在自己手中，自大地相信我有完全的權力決定自己成為什麼樣的人。這是一條與基督越走越遠的道路，顯然是一條非常錯誤的道路。我背棄了基督，走上了這條黑暗之路。
在香港長大並就讀公立學校意味著一直處於極具壓力與競爭的環境中。當我十六歲時，學習六門科目，其中四門成績不理想。疫情爆發，我們被困在家裡，失去了在教會和學校的聯繫和社交圈。攸關未來生活的大考逐漸逼近，我感覺自己深陷壓力和痛苦之中，就像在溺水一般。我和父母的關係逐漸疏遠，我們經常爭吵。同時我還處於一段被虐待的感情中，當時的男朋友每天都會嫌我胖、醜、愚蠢，或者完全忽視或不回覆我的短信或電話數天。我嚴重抑鬱，患有焦慮症。有些日子，我感覺完全正常，但有些日子，我甚至無法從床上爬起來。持續的悲傷壓迫著我，時常讓我哭得喘不過氣來，就像在自己的痛苦中窒息。對藝術和閱讀失去了興趣，甚至連打開筆記本電腦看電影的力氣也沒有了。我總是感到極度疲憊，有時感覺飢餓，但每當吃完飯後，內心總是充斥著極度的內疚感。我內心深處失去了對信仰的信心，很長一段時間不再祈禱，忘記了上帝賜予我們生命的意義，甚至忘記了耶穌有多愛我，因為我內心缺乏愛。可怕的孤獨感沉重地籠罩著我，還不斷提醒自己沒人在乎我，包括我最親近的朋友、家人，甚至應該愛我的男朋友！
當我決定將我的生命掌握在自己手中，自己下指令後，我的生活並沒有變得更好。無盡的悲傷和憤怒每一天都伴隨著我，讓我難以呼吸。我記得有一次我和爸爸大吵一架。他生氣我不努力提高學業成績，而我辯稱我已經盡力了。在一番敲打餐桌、指指點點和尖叫之後，我跑回自己的房間哭泣。那是我第一次注意到在我亂七八糟的桌子上的剃刀刀片。在那一瞬間的沉默，我伸手試圖拿起刀片。是時候了，我受夠了。這種想法在我腦海中已經出現了很多次，足以讓我以為這就是我想要的。要這麼做也很簡單。但就在我的手指碰到刀片之前，我聽到內心深處的小聲音說 「不」。只是一個小小的「不」。我的整個身體僵住，然後我開始顫抖。我確信那不是我的意識或猶豫，而是更強大的力量。那個小小的信號有能力讓我整個身體停止運作，使我免於危險。那一刻，除了恐懼和悲傷，我還感到了驚奇和愛，是愛！
那個晚上，我沒有以任何方式傷害自己。最終我在午夜過後哭著入睡。但在入睡之前，我做了長久以來的第一次祈禱。這是我迄今為止最難忘又心碎的祈禱，我將記住它直到生命的終結：
「親愛的天父。對不起，使你看到我處於這種狀態。我一團糟，我是一個可怕、很可怕的人。我充滿了罪孽。這個世界充滿了罪孽，而我是如此孤獨。我對這個世界感到厭倦。我知道我的生命應該是一份禮物，但我從來沒有請求過它。所以，上帝，如果你愛我，如果你是真實的——今晚把我擁入你的懷抱吧。讓我離開這個地球，在今晚結束我的生命。帶我回家，讓我與你在一起，因為我已經不再看到我在這裡的任何意義。」
如今回首當時，我竟然如此粗魯地去質疑上帝，甚至考驗他。當時我是如此絕望地懇求著結束生命。然而，那個晚上我並未走到生命的盡頭。第二天早上醒來時，我感到心煩意亂和困惑，內心空虛而沉重。幾個星期過去了，情況依舊，但有一個變化，我發現自己又重新開始祈禱了。有時我祈求結束生命，有時只是與上帝「聯繫」，有時道歉，有時求助。這是長久一段時間以來，我第一次感受到耶穌就在我身旁，就像一位真正關心我的朋友一樣。這是我已經很久沒有體驗到的愛和關懷。
那個夏天來臨時，我決定參加教會的夏令營。特別的是，我感覺有某種力量在推動我參加，使我知道我需要去，這行動永久地轉變了我的生活軌跡。並非講道或見證感動了我，而是一個真心話大冒險的遊戲。那時，我終於笑了，感受到與兄弟姐妹在一起的喜悅，感受到基督在我們中間的愛。那個晚上，我分享了我不快樂的情感經歷（用「不快樂」來形容也許太過輕描淡寫），坦白了我的行為，以及我不是一個快樂的人的事實。在分享之後，我建立了與兄弟姐妹的連結，這種連結是過去疫情幾個月的Zoom中遺失的。我找到了真正關心我的人，他們真誠地擔心我。我的眼睛打開了，我終於看到，這段時間，我一直被真誠和善良的天使包圍著，他們關心我，愛護我，儘管我一團糟。這不僅僅是普通的友誼——而是在基督中的愛。如果幾天前我真的選擇了自殺，我將永遠無法體驗到上帝一直為我準備的愛。上帝選擇了正確的時刻打開我的眼睛，讓我看到真相，看到我是多麼盲目。上帝讓我看到了耶穌的愛，他活在我的朋友們的理解和善意中，我知道我的生命在那天得救了。
心理疾病康復的過程通常是漫長的。然而，我在這個過程中並未使用任何藥物，也沒有尋求心理治療師的幫助，卻奇蹟地在短短半年內有了顯著的改善。接受耶穌重新進入我的生命填補了內心的空虛，這是一份特別珍貴的禮物。我深知自己並不配他為我的罪釘在十字架上，這讓我永遠感激。儘管我傲慢和自私，但他仍然無條件地愛我，愛護真正的我。我只是一個極度需要耶穌的脆弱人類。耶穌的愛是一份禮物，只要願意接受，就可以擁有它，這是生命中最需要且永遠不會缺少的寶藏。我已經通過艱苦的經歷學會了這一點。
在幾個月後，我逐漸變得更加健康，現在的我仍在康復的旅程中，繼續嘗試解決其他問題。夏令營之後，我毅然決然地和那個曾虐待我的男友分手，決心尋找一位在基督裡的伴侶。我充滿學習和進步的動力，最終在大考上獲得優秀的成績，成功進入了香港一所頂尖學院的高級課程。
從夏令營的真心話大冒險遊戲之後，我和一位朋友建立了深厚的聯繫；他關心、關切我，以尊重、同理和善良的態度對待我。現在他已成為我交往兩年的男朋友，我們在基督的愛中蒙福，互相激勵，以承諾和忠誠彼此相愛。我與父母的關係也變得更加親近，雖然我們有時仍會經歷起伏，我還是全心全意地愛著他們。
接著我考慮在藝術領域繼續深造，並且勇敢地搬到洛杉磯，在一所藝術學校學習，為動畫職業生涯努力。在我踏出這一步之前，當然答應了上帝，我將會找一個教會。儘管我在這個異國他鄉感到孤獨，但基督一直與我同在，他是我最堅強的後盾，不斷提醒我以愛和仁慈對待他人。
如果這個故事是部電影，肯定算是個幸福快樂的結局。但對我來說，這是我生命中幸福快樂的新篇章，因為在這個全新的生命中，基督是我的引導者。這趟旅程才剛開始，儘管我遠遠不是一個完美的基督徒。我知道自己是個罪人，曾經犯罪，也可能在未來犯罪。不過我永遠感激耶穌，並且我願意將我的生命交託給他，把它交到他的愛中。我希望他主宰我的生活，作為我的引導，照亮我的道路，成為我生命中最重要的真理。我將全心全意地跟隨基督，與他一同死去，重新得救, 並在他的救贖中充滿喜悅。
New Chapter – From Desperation To Hope
Ada Lee
This is my testimony, my story of how Jesus Christ saved my life. Of course, not to mistake me for being dramatic as he saved everyone from our sins; but very literally, the fact that I am here telling my story is a miracle from God.
It is difficult to think about where it all began. I was born and raised in a loving, complete and seemingly perfect, standard Christian family. My father is a pastor himself, and he used to work fulltime in a church during my childhood. Throughout my childhood I have listened to bible stories before bedtime, had devotion sections with my mom; I still vividly remember honesty and integrity was a big thing in my household, because “you can lie to your teachers and parents, but God will always know the truth. You can never hide; you can only submit.” All through my youth, I go to church every Sunday and have children’s bible classes. I always believe God is real, and Jesus did die for our sins and live again, rising from the grave. I have also accepted the difficult task of imitating Christ himself, to live like Christ and be as good as I possibly can be. To say the least, I was this good kid, surrounded by Christians growing up, and went to Christian schools. I was submerged in God’s love, and I consider myself to be very blessed.
Though I wholeheartedly believe in Christ, I did not truly feel his presence until when I was in high school. For most of the time, God felt more like an entity that I randomly pray to, that I thank for food instead of a loving father figure as portrayed in the bible. I yearned for that connection, and I prayed for me to feel something, anything. I want to be deeply touched by the holy spirit, but nothing seemed to spark that, and me as a young teenager wondered why. I always see people crying during sermons, during praise, or during their baptism and while sharing their very epic testimony. I really wanted to have that.
As days went by, nothing seemed to happen. Going to church seemed more like a routine and responsibility. I looked at church more like a workplace instead of a sacred holy place where we have connection with Jesus Christ. As my responsibilities piled up at church, I understood the importance of guiding younger tweens into Christ and I know God had given me the power to change lives, but I never knew how to wield the power, to use my tongue to praise God’s name. Time went by, I started to lose the will to pray. I stopped opening the bible; for most days in a week, I almost forgot the fact that I am a Christian and lived just like any other. I used to believe the fate of my life would be in my own hands, and I arrogantly believed I could have complete power to determine the person I could become. It was a path going further and further away from Christ, and clearly a very wrong path to take. I turned my back to Christ and walked down this dark road.
Growing up in Hong Kong and going to public schools mean you’re always in an extremely stressful and competitive environment. I was sixteen, studying six subjects, failing four of them. The pandemic hit, and we were stuck in our houses, I lost the connection and social circle I needed at church and at school. The daunting public exam that your life depends on was creeping in closer and closer, and I felt like I was drowning, sinking in endless waters of stress and pain. I was in a bad relationship with my parents, and we would argue all the time. I was also in an abusive relationship at the time, where my then boyfriend would call me fat, ugly, stupid every day, or completely neglect me by not responding to my texts or phone calls for days. I was severely depressed, I suffered from anxiety. There were days when I felt completely okay, but some days I could not even get out of my bed. I was constantly crying for no reason, sobbing until I was out of breath, like I was choking and suffocating on my own sorrows. I lost interest in art, in reading, not even having the strength to take out my laptop to watch a movie. I was always so fatigued, hungry all the time but felt immense guilt every time after I ate. There was no faith in me; I did not pray for a long time, forgot the meaning of living that God has bestowed upon us, even forgot how much Jesus loves me because there was no love in me. The dreadful loneliness weighed so heavily in my chest as I was constantly reminded by myself that there’s no one who cares about me, not even my closest friends or family members or my boyfriend who was supposed to love me!
My life did not get any better after I decided to take my life into my own hands, my own orders. The endless sadness and anger lingered with me every single day; it made me hard to breathe. I remember one time I had a big argument with my dad. He was angry that I was not trying to improve my academics, while I argued that I was already trying my best. After times of slamming on the dining table, pointing and screaming, I ran back into my room sobbing. That was the first time I noticed the box-cutter knife sitting silently on my messy tabletop. A moment of silent anticipation I reached out, trying to grab the knife. It was the time, and I’ve had enough. The thought had lingered in the back of my head enough times to let me know this is what I wanted. It would be easy; you’d know what to do. But right before my fingers touched the knife, I heard the little voice in me saying ‘no’.
Just a small ‘no’. My whole body went numb, and I was shaking. I was sure that was not my conscience or my hesitation, but something much greater in power. That one little signal held the power to pause my entire body in motion, froze me from harm’s way. That moment, except from the fear and sorrow, I also felt wonderment, and love. Love.
That night, I did not harm myself in any way. I still ended up crying my heart out until well past midnight where I cried myself to sleep. Before I slept through, I prayed for the first time in a very long time. This is the most memorable and heartbreaking prayer I have made so far, and I will remember it till the end of my days:
“Dear heavenly father. I am sorry, you’re seeing me in a state like this. I am a mess, and I’m a horrible, horrible person. I am so full of sins. This world is so full of sins, and I am so, so lonely. I’m tired of the world. I know my life was supposedly a gift, but I have never asked for it. So, God, if you love me, if you are real – take me in your arms tonight. Let me leave the Earth, end my life here, tonight. Bring me home where I can be with you, because I see no purpose in me being here anymore.”
Now that I think of it, how rude was I to question God and to test him. But back then, it was as if I was desperately pleading for the end. Well, obviously, I did not die that night, and the next morning I woke up distraught and confused, emptiness in my chest weighing. For weeks it stayed the same, but one thing different was I found myself beginning praying again. Sometimes I would beg to die, but sometimes I would just “check in” with God. Sometimes I apologize, sometimes I ask for help. For the first time in a long time, I felt like Jesus is close to me, that he’s like a friend that genuinely cares about me. The love and care I had not felt in such a long time.
Summer rolled along, and I decided to go to the church summer camp. Weirdly enough I felt something was pushing me towards going, and that I needed it. I went, and it altered my path forever. It was not the sermon or a testimony that touched me, but rather, a game of truth or dare. It was a time I finally laughed, felt joy with brothers and sisters, and felt the love of Christ in us as a group. That night, I shared my experience of my unhappy relationship (unhappy could be an understatement here), confessed about my behaviors, and the fact that I was not a happy person. After sharing, I found the connection with my brothers and sisters lost in months of zoom services, I found the people who really cared, who genuinely were worried about me. My eyes were opened, and all this time I was amid angels who are true and good, who care about me, love me despite my mess. It’s not just any regular friendships – it is love in Christ. If I had taken my own life days ago, I would’ve never lived to feel the love God has arranged for me all along. God chose the right moment to open my eyes, to see the truth, and to see how blind I was being. God let me see Jesus’s love, alive in the compassion and kindness of my friends, and I knew my life was saved that very day.
The healing process from a mental illness is very long. But I did not take any medication and see any therapist, I was miraculously getting so much better in half a year’s span. The fact that I allowed Jesus back into my life filled the empty void I had. Jesus’s love is a gift for me. I do not deserve him dying on the cross for my sins, and I am forever in his debt. Even though I am an arrogant and selfish person, he still loves me for who I am. I am nothing but a weak human who desperately needs Jesus in my life. Jesus’s love is a gift that can be mine as long as I accept it, and it is a gift that I need and can never live without. I have learnt that in a hard way.
I got better in months, and I am still on the healing journey right now as I am looking to resolve my other issues. After the summer camp, I broke up with my abusive boyfriend shortly, and decided to only look for men who are in Christ instead. I had the motivation to study and to learn, and in the end got really good grades in my public exam and got into my top program in the college in Hong Kong. A connection was started between me and a friend ever since the summer camp truth or dare; he cared, he asked, and treated me with dignity, respect, compassion and kindness. He is my boyfriend of two years, and we have been so blessed in Christ’s love, bringing out the best in each other and loving each other in promise and devotion. I have gotten closer with my parents, though sometimes we still have ups and downs, I love them with all my heart. I began to think about having a serious pursuit in art, and I made a bold move of moving all the way to LA and studying in an art school, to pursue a career in animation. Before I did all that I promised God I would find a church, of course. Though I am all alone in this foreign country, Christ is constantly with me, he is my strongest backup force and my constant reminder to treat people with love and kindness.
If this is a movie, then it has a very happy ending indeed. But I would say this is a very happy new chapter in my life for me, because my new life with Christ being the pilot of my life is just beginning, and I cannot wait. I am so far from being a perfect Christian. I am a sinner; I have sinned, and there is a very high chance I am going to sin again and again in the future. I am forever in Jesus’s debt, all I can do is to commit my life into his hands, into his love. I wish for him to take over my life, to be my guidance and the light on the road, to be the ultimate truth in my life. I will commit to following Christ, to die with him and rise with him from the dead, and wholeheartedly, joyfully accept the gift of salvation from Christ.
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