Ada Lee
这是关于耶稣基督如何救赎我的见证故事，但请不要误解我，我并非夸大其词，耶稣确实拯救了我们所有人的罪孽。能够分享我的故事，就是上帝的一个奇蹟。
实在难以理解这一切是如何开始的。我在一个充满爱的、完整的、看似完美的基督教家庭中长大。我的父亲是一位牧师，他在我童年时期全职在一间教会工作。在童年时，我每晚聆听圣经故事，与妈妈一起进行灵修。我清楚地记得，诚实和正直是我们家庭的重要价值观，因为我们相信「你可以欺骗老师和父母，但上帝总是知道真相。你无法隐藏, 你只能顺服。」 我在青少年时期每个星期日都去教会，参加儿童主日学。我一直相信上帝是真实的，耶稣确实为我们的罪而死，并从死里复活。我也接受了效仿基督为使命，尽我所能地过著像基督一样的生活。总之，我是一个被基督徒包围的好孩子，在一个基督徒的环境中长大，甚至上基督教学校。我沉浸在上帝的爱中，感到自己非常蒙福。
尽管我衷心相信基督，却直到高中时我才真正感受到他的存在。大多数时间，上帝似乎只是我随机祈祷的一个实体，我为食物感谢他，而不是像圣经中所描绘的慈爱父亲那样。我渴望与他建立更深的连结，我祈求能够感受到某种东西，希望能被圣灵触动，然而似乎没有任何事情能引发这种感觉。当时作为一个青少年，我无法理解为什么会如此。我经常看到人们在讲道、赞美、受洗以及分享见证时流泪。我非常渴望能有这样的经历。
日子一天天过去，似乎什么都没有发生。去教会变成只是例行公事和责任。我将教会视为一个工作场所，而不是一个与耶稣基督建立连结的神圣圣所。随着我在教会的职责不断增加，我意识到引导年轻人走向基督的重要性，我知道上帝赐予我改变生命的力量，但我却不知道如何运用这个能力，如何使用我的口舌来赞美上帝的名。随着时间的流逝，我开始失去祈祷的意愿，也不再打开圣经；大部分时间，我几乎忘记了自己是一个基督徒，就像任何其他人一样生活。我曾经相信我的生命命运将掌握在自己手中，自大地相信我有完全的权力决定自己成为什么样的人。这是一条与基督越走越远的道路，显然是一条非常错误的道路。我背弃了基督，走上了这条黑暗之路。
在香港长大并就读公立学校意味着一直处于极具压力与竞争的环境中。当我十六岁时，学习六门科目，其中四门成绩不理想。疫情爆发，我们被困在家里，失去了在教会和学校的联系和社交圈。攸关未来生活的大考逐渐逼近，我感觉自己深陷压力和痛苦之中，就像在溺水一般。我和父母的关系逐渐疏远，我们经常争吵。同时我还处于一段被虐待的感情中，当时的男朋友每天都会嫌我胖、丑、愚蠢，或者完全忽视或不回复我的短信或电话数天。我严重抑郁，患有焦虑症。有些日子，我感觉完全正常，但有些日子，我甚至无法从床上爬起来。持续的悲伤压迫着我，时常让我哭得喘不过气来，就像在自己的痛苦中窒息。对艺术和阅读失去了兴趣，甚至连打开笔记本电脑看电影的力气也没有了。我总是感到极度疲惫，有时感觉饥饿，但每当吃完饭后，内心总是充斥着极度的内疚感。我内心深处失去了对信仰的信心，很长一段时间不再祈祷，忘记了上帝赐予我们生命的意义，甚至忘记了耶稣有多爱我，因为我内心缺乏爱。可怕的孤独感沉重地笼罩着我，还不断提醒自己没人在乎我，包括我最亲近的朋友、家人，甚至应该爱我的男朋友！
当我决定将我的生命掌握在自己手中，自己下指令后，我的生活并没有变得更好。无尽的悲伤和愤怒每一天都伴随着我，让我难以呼吸。我记得有一次我和爸爸大吵一架。他生气我不努力提高学业成绩，而我辩称我已经尽力了。在一番敲打餐桌、指指点点和尖叫之后，我跑回自己的房间哭泣。那是我第一次注意到在我乱七八糟的桌子上的剃刀刀片。在那一瞬间的沉默，我伸手试图拿起刀片。是时候了，我受够了。这种想法在我脑海中已经出现了很多次，足以让我以为这就是我想要的。要这么做也很简单。但就在我的手指碰到刀片之前，我听到内心深处的小声音说 「不」。只是一个小小的「不」。我的整个身体僵住，然后我开始颤抖。我确信那不是我的意识或犹豫，而是更强大的力量。那个小小的信号有能力让我整个身体停止运作，使我免于危险。那一刻，除了恐惧和悲伤，我还感到了惊奇和爱，是爱！
那个晚上，我没有以任何方式伤害自己。最终我在午夜过后哭着入睡。但在入睡之前，我做了长久以来的第一次祈祷。这是我迄今为止最难忘又心碎的祈祷，我将记住它直到生命的终结：
「亲爱的天父。对不起，使你看到我处于这种状态。我一团糟，我是一个可怕、很可怕的人。我充满了罪孽。这个世界充满了罪孽，而我是如此孤独。我对这个世界感到厌倦。我知道我的生命应该是一份礼物，但我从来没有请求过它。所以，上帝，如果你爱我，如果你是真实的——今晚把我拥入你的怀抱吧。让我离开这个地球，在今晚结束我的生命。带我回家，让我与你在一起，因为我已经不再看到我在这里的任何意义。」
如今回首当时，我竟然如此粗鲁地去质疑上帝，甚至考验他。当时我是如此绝望地恳求着结束生命。然而，那个晚上我并未走到生命的尽头。第二天早上醒来时，我感到心烦意乱和困惑，内心空虚而沉重。几个星期过去了，情况依旧，但有一个变化，我发现自己又重新开始祈祷了。有时我祈求结束生命，有时只是与上帝「联系」，有时道歉，有时求助。这是长久一段时间以来，我第一次感受到耶稣就在我身旁，就像一位真正关心我的朋友一样。这是我已经很久没有体验到的爱和关怀。
那个夏天来临时，我决定参加教会的夏令营。特别的是，我感觉有某种力量在推动我参加，使我知道我需要去，这行动永久地转变了我的生活轨迹。并非讲道或见证感动了我，而是一个真心话大冒险的游戏。那时，我终于笑了，感受到与兄弟姐妹在一起的喜悦，感受到基督在我们中间的爱。那个晚上，我分享了我不快乐的情感经历（用「不快乐」来形容也许太过轻描淡写），坦白了我的行为，以及我不是一个快乐的人的事实。在分享之后，我建立了与兄弟姐妹的连结，这种连结是过去疫情几个月的Zoom中遗失的。我找到了真正关心我的人，他们真诚地担心我。我的眼睛打开了，我终于看到，这段时间，我一直被真诚和善良的天使包围着，他们关心我，爱护我，尽管我一团糟。这不仅仅是普通的友谊——而是在基督中的爱。如果几天前我真的选择了自杀，我将永远无法体验到上帝一直为我准备的爱。上帝选择了正确的时刻打开我的眼睛，让我看到真相，看到我是多么盲目。上帝让我看到了耶稣的爱，他活在我的朋友们的理解和善意中，我知道我的生命在那天得救了。
心理疾病康复的过程通常是漫长的。然而，我在这个过程中并未使用任何药物，也没有寻求心理治疗师的帮助，却奇蹟地在短短半年内有了显著的改善。接受耶稣重新进入我的生命填补了内心的空虚，这是一份特别珍贵的礼物。我深知自己并不配他为我的罪钉在十字架上，这让我永远感激。尽管我傲慢和自私，但他仍然无条件地爱我，爱护真正的我。我只是一个极度需要耶稣的脆弱人类。耶稣的爱是一份礼物，只要愿意接受，就可以拥有它，这是生命中最需要且永远不会缺少的宝藏。我已经通过艰苦的经历学会了这一点。
在几个月后，我逐渐变得更加健康，现在的我仍在康复的旅程中，继续尝试解决其他问题。夏令营之后，我毅然决然地和那个曾虐待我的男友分手，决心寻找一位在基督里的伴侣。我充满学习和进步的动力，最终在大考上获得优秀的成绩，成功进入了香港一所顶尖学院的高级课程。
从夏令营的真心话大冒险游戏之后，我和一位朋友建立了深厚的联系；他关心、关切我，以尊重、同理和善良的态度对待我。现在他已成为我交往两年的男朋友，我们在基督的爱中蒙福，互相激励，以承诺和忠诚彼此相爱。我与父母的关系也变得更加亲近，虽然我们有时仍会经历起伏，我还是全心全意地爱着他们。
接着我考虑在艺术领域继续深造，并且勇敢地搬到洛杉矶，在一所艺术学校学习，为动画职业生涯努力。在我踏出这一步之前，当然答应了上帝，我将会找一个教会。尽管我在这个异国他乡感到孤独，但基督一直与我同在，他是我最坚强的后盾，不断提醒我以爱和仁慈对待他人。
如果这个故事是部电影，肯定算是个幸福快乐的结局。但对我来说，这是我生命中幸福快乐的新篇章，因为在这个全新的生命中，基督是我的引导者。这趟旅程才刚开始，尽管我远远不是一个完美的基督徒。我知道自己是个罪人，曾经犯罪，也可能在未来犯罪。不过我永远感激耶稣，并且我愿意将我的生命交托给他，把它交到他的爱中。我希望他主宰我的生活，作为我的引导，照亮我的道路，成为我生命中最重要的真理。我将全心全意地跟随基督，与他一同死去，重新得救, 并在他的救赎中充满喜悦。
New Chapter – From Desperation To Hope
Ada Lee
This is my testimony, my story of how Jesus Christ saved my life. Of course, not to mistake me for being dramatic as he saved everyone from our sins; but very literally, the fact that I am here telling my story is a miracle from God.
It is difficult to think about where it all began. I was born and raised in a loving, complete and seemingly perfect, standard Christian family. My father is a pastor himself, and he used to work fulltime in a church during my childhood. Throughout my childhood I have listened to bible stories before bedtime, had devotion sections with my mom; I still vividly remember honesty and integrity was a big thing in my household, because “you can lie to your teachers and parents, but God will always know the truth. You can never hide; you can only submit.” All through my youth, I go to church every Sunday and have children’s bible classes. I always believe God is real, and Jesus did die for our sins and live again, rising from the grave. I have also accepted the difficult task of imitating Christ himself, to live like Christ and be as good as I possibly can be. To say the least, I was this good kid, surrounded by Christians growing up, and went to Christian schools. I was submerged in God’s love, and I consider myself to be very blessed.
Though I wholeheartedly believe in Christ, I did not truly feel his presence until when I was in high school. For most of the time, God felt more like an entity that I randomly pray to, that I thank for food instead of a loving father figure as portrayed in the bible. I yearned for that connection, and I prayed for me to feel something, anything. I want to be deeply touched by the holy spirit, but nothing seemed to spark that, and me as a young teenager wondered why. I always see people crying during sermons, during praise, or during their baptism and while sharing their very epic testimony. I really wanted to have that.
As days went by, nothing seemed to happen. Going to church seemed more like a routine and responsibility. I looked at church more like a workplace instead of a sacred holy place where we have connection with Jesus Christ. As my responsibilities piled up at church, I understood the importance of guiding younger tweens into Christ and I know God had given me the power to change lives, but I never knew how to wield the power, to use my tongue to praise God’s name. Time went by, I started to lose the will to pray. I stopped opening the bible; for most days in a week, I almost forgot the fact that I am a Christian and lived just like any other. I used to believe the fate of my life would be in my own hands, and I arrogantly believed I could have complete power to determine the person I could become. It was a path going further and further away from Christ, and clearly a very wrong path to take. I turned my back to Christ and walked down this dark road.
Growing up in Hong Kong and going to public schools mean you’re always in an extremely stressful and competitive environment. I was sixteen, studying six subjects, failing four of them. The pandemic hit, and we were stuck in our houses, I lost the connection and social circle I needed at church and at school. The daunting public exam that your life depends on was creeping in closer and closer, and I felt like I was drowning, sinking in endless waters of stress and pain. I was in a bad relationship with my parents, and we would argue all the time. I was also in an abusive relationship at the time, where my then boyfriend would call me fat, ugly, stupid every day, or completely neglect me by not responding to my texts or phone calls for days. I was severely depressed, I suffered from anxiety. There were days when I felt completely okay, but some days I could not even get out of my bed. I was constantly crying for no reason, sobbing until I was out of breath, like I was choking and suffocating on my own sorrows. I lost interest in art, in reading, not even having the strength to take out my laptop to watch a movie. I was always so fatigued, hungry all the time but felt immense guilt every time after I ate. There was no faith in me; I did not pray for a long time, forgot the meaning of living that God has bestowed upon us, even forgot how much Jesus loves me because there was no love in me. The dreadful loneliness weighed so heavily in my chest as I was constantly reminded by myself that there’s no one who cares about me, not even my closest friends or family members or my boyfriend who was supposed to love me!
My life did not get any better after I decided to take my life into my own hands, my own orders. The endless sadness and anger lingered with me every single day; it made me hard to breathe. I remember one time I had a big argument with my dad. He was angry that I was not trying to improve my academics, while I argued that I was already trying my best. After times of slamming on the dining table, pointing and screaming, I ran back into my room sobbing. That was the first time I noticed the box-cutter knife sitting silently on my messy tabletop. A moment of silent anticipation I reached out, trying to grab the knife. It was the time, and I’ve had enough. The thought had lingered in the back of my head enough times to let me know this is what I wanted. It would be easy; you’d know what to do. But right before my fingers touched the knife, I heard the little voice in me saying ‘no’.
Just a small ‘no’. My whole body went numb, and I was shaking. I was sure that was not my conscience or my hesitation, but something much greater in power. That one little signal held the power to pause my entire body in motion, froze me from harm’s way. That moment, except from the fear and sorrow, I also felt wonderment, and love. Love.
That night, I did not harm myself in any way. I still ended up crying my heart out until well past midnight where I cried myself to sleep. Before I slept through, I prayed for the first time in a very long time. This is the most memorable and heartbreaking prayer I have made so far, and I will remember it till the end of my days:
“Dear heavenly father. I am sorry, you’re seeing me in a state like this. I am a mess, and I’m a horrible, horrible person. I am so full of sins. This world is so full of sins, and I am so, so lonely. I’m tired of the world. I know my life was supposedly a gift, but I have never asked for it. So, God, if you love me, if you are real – take me in your arms tonight. Let me leave the Earth, end my life here, tonight. Bring me home where I can be with you, because I see no purpose in me being here anymore.”
Now that I think of it, how rude was I to question God and to test him. But back then, it was as if I was desperately pleading for the end. Well, obviously, I did not die that night, and the next morning I woke up distraught and confused, emptiness in my chest weighing. For weeks it stayed the same, but one thing different was I found myself beginning praying again. Sometimes I would beg to die, but sometimes I would just “check in” with God. Sometimes I apologize, sometimes I ask for help. For the first time in a long time, I felt like Jesus is close to me, that he’s like a friend that genuinely cares about me. The love and care I had not felt in such a long time.
Summer rolled along, and I decided to go to the church summer camp. Weirdly enough I felt something was pushing me towards going, and that I needed it. I went, and it altered my path forever. It was not the sermon or a testimony that touched me, but rather, a game of truth or dare. It was a time I finally laughed, felt joy with brothers and sisters, and felt the love of Christ in us as a group. That night, I shared my experience of my unhappy relationship (unhappy could be an understatement here), confessed about my behaviors, and the fact that I was not a happy person. After sharing, I found the connection with my brothers and sisters lost in months of zoom services, I found the people who really cared, who genuinely were worried about me. My eyes were opened, and all this time I was amid angels who are true and good, who care about me, love me despite my mess. It’s not just any regular friendships – it is love in Christ. If I had taken my own life days ago, I would’ve never lived to feel the love God has arranged for me all along. God chose the right moment to open my eyes, to see the truth, and to see how blind I was being. God let me see Jesus’s love, alive in the compassion and kindness of my friends, and I knew my life was saved that very day.
The healing process from a mental illness is very long. But I did not take any medication and see any therapist, I was miraculously getting so much better in half a year’s span. The fact that I allowed Jesus back into my life filled the empty void I had. Jesus’s love is a gift for me. I do not deserve him dying on the cross for my sins, and I am forever in his debt. Even though I am an arrogant and selfish person, he still loves me for who I am. I am nothing but a weak human who desperately needs Jesus in my life. Jesus’s love is a gift that can be mine as long as I accept it, and it is a gift that I need and can never live without. I have learnt that in a hard way.
I got better in months, and I am still on the healing journey right now as I am looking to resolve my other issues. After the summer camp, I broke up with my abusive boyfriend shortly, and decided to only look for men who are in Christ instead. I had the motivation to study and to learn, and in the end got really good grades in my public exam and got into my top program in the college in Hong Kong. A connection was started between me and a friend ever since the summer camp truth or dare; he cared, he asked, and treated me with dignity, respect, compassion and kindness. He is my boyfriend of two years, and we have been so blessed in Christ’s love, bringing out the best in each other and loving each other in promise and devotion. I have gotten closer with my parents, though sometimes we still have ups and downs, I love them with all my heart. I began to think about having a serious pursuit in art, and I made a bold move of moving all the way to LA and studying in an art school, to pursue a career in animation. Before I did all that I promised God I would find a church, of course. Though I am all alone in this foreign country, Christ is constantly with me, he is my strongest backup force and my constant reminder to treat people with love and kindness.
If this is a movie, then it has a very happy ending indeed. But I would say this is a very happy new chapter in my life for me, because my new life with Christ being the pilot of my life is just beginning, and I cannot wait. I am so far from being a perfect Christian. I am a sinner; I have sinned, and there is a very high chance I am going to sin again and again in the future. I am forever in Jesus’s debt, all I can do is to commit my life into his hands, into his love. I wish for him to take over my life, to be my guidance and the light on the road, to be the ultimate truth in my life. I will commit to following Christ, to die with him and rise with him from the dead, and wholeheartedly, joyfully accept the gift of salvation from Christ.
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