懷念媽媽

林方舟

失去至親的痛楚，因信仰得盼望，淚水不再苦澀，帶著感恩，期待永恆的重逢。

在一年半前，我的媽媽，也是我從小最無話不說的好朋友，走了。

       她人生最後的一個月裡，我陪伴在她身邊；她走後，我的內心依舊停留在她的房間裡，出不來。不再會有和她一起買菜的時光，不再有她的短信，電話的另外一頭，也不再有她的聲音。思念，總會在某個猝不及防地瞬間瀰漫開來，很濃很痛。

       挺長一段時間，我像個小孩子一樣，去哭，去發洩我的傷，去遺憾她不在的未來，然後就陷在裡面。我很感謝我的太太，在那段時間一直溫柔地提醒鼓勵我，數算神的恩典。她說的對！

     「我的心哪，你為何憂悶？為何在我裡面煩躁？應當仰望神，因我還要稱讚祂」（詩篇42:5）

       當我用信心提醒自己，我要從悲傷中起來，去思想神的恩典時，神就把我的心領到寬闊之處。是啊，很多關於媽媽的回憶裡，都有神。

       媽媽牽著還沒上小學的我，風雨無阻，每個主日早晨，踩著碎步去教會敬拜神；她教導我讀聖經禱告；用聖經的原則教我做事做人；叮囑我來美國也要好好加入當地的教會。媽媽自己敬畏神，也把福音傳給我，讓我學習好好敬畏神，珍惜主耶穌的救恩，抓住了就不要放。

       在她生命最後的時光，那時她講話已經很艱難了，卻開口禱告，說她順服愛她的神；我跪坐在她床邊，和爸爸一起唱《耶穌良友》，《奇異恩典》。

       人生最後的一個月，我們一家人一直在一起。我很感謝神。

      「神爱世人，甚至将祂的独生子赐给他们，叫一切信祂的，不至灭亡，反得永生。」 （约翰福音 3:16）

       媽媽不在我們的生活裡了。但是，因為主耶穌基督的救恩，和媽媽對神的信，有永活的盼望。那一天，我們回到天家，會見主的面，也會與我媽媽再見。因為主耶穌基督的救恩，因為我們的信，死亡不再轄制我們了，地上的分別也是暫時的。

       有天晚上，我又思念媽媽。這次，我想到她和我都接受了耶穌基督的救恩，想到將來在永恆裡我們都與主在一起。那是長久以來，第一次，淚水裡沒有傷痛，沒有抑鬱，只有對神的感恩和盼望。

       生命很短，就算沒有疾病，也總有說離別的一天。然後呢？

神的救恩，很寶貴，卻是白白賜給我們。你願意去了解嗎？雖然不容易，但你願意繼續嘗試讓你所愛的家人去了解嗎？

English

A year and a half ago, my mom—also, my best friend with whom I shared pretty everything growing up — left this world.

In the final month of her life, I stayed by her side. But even after she was gone, my mind is still trapped in her room, unable to move on. There are no more moments of grocery shopping with her, no more texts or calls from her. I missed her. Emotions always come suddenly, overwhelmingly. They fill the air, heavy, intense, and sharp.

For a long while, I wept like a child, releasing my grief, only to be consumed by it. Looking back, I am so thankful for my wife. In those days, she gently reminded me to count God’s blessings. She was right.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation. (Psalm 42:5)

When I reminded myself to rise above my sorrow and reflect on God’s grace, He led my heart to a place of peace. Yes, so many of my memories with my mom are intertwined with God.

I remembered when I was a little kid, my mom held my hand and led me by her side every Sunday morning to worship at church; she taught me to read the Bible, to pray; she used the wisdom of God’s words to teach me how to live and how to love; when I came to LA for school, she reminded me to stay connected to a local church. She feared God, and in her love for Him, she passed on the gospel to me, teaching me to revere God, to treasure the salvation of Jesus Christ, and to hold onto it with all my heart.

In her final days, when she had difficulty with speech, my mom still found the strength to pray, surrendering herself to God. I knelt beside her bed, with my dad, and we sang “Jesus, Friend of Sinners” and “Amazing Grace”.

Through the final month of her life, my father and I were with her. I am thankful to God.

For God so loved the world, that he gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

Yes, my mom is no longer here in my daily life. But because of the salvation of Jesus Christ and her steadfast faith in God, there is an eternal hope that keeps us connected. One day, we will be freed from death. And on that day, we will return to our Heavenly Home, see the Lord face to face, and once again be reunited with my mom. The separation I feel on earth is only temporary.

One night a few months ago, I found myself missing my mom so much. This time, I thought of how both she and I had received His salvation, and I was filled with the hope of the eternity we will share with Him. For the first time in a long while, my tears were no longer tears of pain or sorrow, but of gratitude and living hope in God.

Life is short, and even without sickness, there comes a day when we must part. And then what?

The salvation of Jesus is precious, and yet, it is freely given. A gift beyond measure, waiting to be received. Will you seek to understand its depth? Though it may not be easy, will you continue to try and share this gift with your loved ones?

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