Mimi (Xinyi) Li 李欣怡

Mimi的分享再次提醒我們，即便在身份認同被挑戰的低谷，上帝的愛依然是穩固的根基。

My name is Mimi, and I’ve been blessed to be a part of CBCWLA over the past year. This church family has been such a meaningful part of my journey, and I’m grateful to be here tonight to share how God has worked in my life this past year. 

So, a little about me: I’m a PhD student at UCLA. I’m a mechanical engineer by training. If you’re into MBTI, I am an ISFJ which stands for Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. Basically, I’m someone who values structure, reliability, taking care of others, and a just a little dose of perfectionism. I’m an only child. I was born in China, and I’m the youngest of my extended family. I grew up in a small suburb outside of Washington DC. I went to school in Pennsylvania. And my social security number is…well we don’t have to go that far.  

As you can see, I’ve spent a lot of time defining myself by my work, my personality traits, and my upbringing. For much of my life, I found my identity in being a good student, an only child, and a ‘nice’ person. But this year, that foundation was shaken in ways I never expected. 

Firstly, I think many of us, especially those from Asian backgrounds, can relate to the pressure growing up to do well in school. From a young age, it felt like a lot of my worth was tied to my academic success. And for a long time, I did well—throughout high school and college, I was consistently the top student, getting good grades and many times annoying my friends when I’d get upset over a 94 instead of a perfect 100. It felt like I was on the right path to “success”, and the praise I received made me feel like I was exceeding expectations. But that all changed when I started my PhD. Suddenly, I was thrust into a difficult environment where I was working under a supervisor with very high expectations and a strict approach. What was once a source of motivation for me—meeting and exceeding expectations—became a source of immense pressure and crippling anxiety. The more I tried to prove myself and work harder, the more I seemed to fall short. My identity as a ‘good student’—someone who always excelled, always had the answers, always received praise—shattered. 

Secondly, another part of my identity that was shaken this year was my role in my family. Growing up as an only child, I had an idyllic childhood. I was surrounded by love and attention from my parents, and I never lacked anything. With my parents, I knew an unwavering sense of safety, comfort, acceptance, and belonging. However, things began to change when my mother passed away in 2018. Then, last year, when my father remarried, I found myself facing a heartbreaking truth: my identity as the only child in our close-knit family, the center of my parents’ world and them being the center of my world, was no longer the same. Suddenly, I had a new family—one with a stepmother and a younger stepsister. It felt like a part of who I was—something so foundational to me—was slipping away, and I didn’t know how to hold on.

Thirdly, another aspect of my identity that was challenged this year was my sense of self as a “kind and caring” person. The past years, amid a toxic working environment and the changes in my family, I found myself becoming increasingly bitter, reticent, and resentful to all the people around me. The pressure at work, the constant struggle to meet expectations, the sadness of my family changing—it all built up in a way I couldn’t control. And in the midst of it, the worst of me came out. My dad, stepmom, stepsister, boyfriend, my closest friends became the targets of my frustration, and I said things to them I deeply regret. It was a painful realization to see how much hurt I was capable of causing to the very people who cared for me the most. 

The uncanny thing is, wherever I placed my identity became points of insecurity.  I placed my identity in my achievements, my family, and my character, but none of these were strong enough to bear the weight of my sense of self. Each of them—no matter how much I tried to hold on—proved fragile and temporary, leaving me constantly anxious and fearful of losing them. The normal human struggle is to look for identity horizontally—something in creation to define who you are. We might have a successful job for a season, healthy and fulfilling relationships for a season, but those things can be taken away from us—or never given to us at all. But God has designed us for something greater—to receive our identity vertically from him, something that can never be shaken. 

1 Peter 2:9-10 says “9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.”

I find it amazing that as Christians, God chose us—there is no other qualification. Why did he choose me? I do not know why; it wasn’t because of any merit or worthiness in me that set me apart. It certainly wasn’t because I was a hardworking or kind or caring person—in fact I fell short of every metric I tried to meet, yet he still chose me. There’s nothing I can do besides bow at his feet in humble acceptance. The gospel reminds us of the depth of our sin and need for salvation. Left to ourselves, we fall short, and our sin separates us from a holy God. When we unmask the human façade of self-delusion we are forced to confront our true natures—how warped and wounded we really are. In that tender place, we realize we cannot save ourselves and, in his mercy, he took our sin upon himself on the cross, absorbing the penalty we deserved, so that we might stand before him cleansed and forgiven. We are his possession—the ones he will walk among and reveal himself to over and over again in personal relation forever! He has given us a new identity in him in order that his identity might be proclaimed through us. 

In my brokenness this year, God revealed his character and mercy to me. Despite the terrible words I spoke to my stepmom and stepsister, despite the pain and heartbreak I caused my dad, despite the horrible ways I took stress out on my boyfriend and close friends, I received patience, care, and understanding. The darkest parts of me were exposed but, I was not only accepted but loved. How amazing it is to be fully known (all the good and the bad) and yet be fully loved because of Christ! God saw my father and stepfamily’s heartbreak over my refusal to accept my new family and in his mercy, he opened my eyes to see their unwavering love and care for me that can only come from Christ. In his mercy, God also made a way for me to leave my stressful work environment and transition smoothly to another lab for my PhD. It wasn’t through my own fleshy striving but purely through his care that he that placed the right people in my life—those who encouraged me to leave, a program director who understood my situation, and a new lab with similar research that allowed me to continue without delaying my graduation time. His hand was evident in every part of this transition, surrounding me with professors who cared to ensure that I wouldn’t have the same experience again.

How humbling it is to realize that when our identity is rooted in what we achieve, pride follows our successes, while failure brings shame. Like Adam and Eve, we end up trying to cover our flaws with the “fig leaves” of good works, or we hide away, burdened by guilt. How amazing it is that the gospel offers us something far better! Through faith in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection on our behalf, we are who we our—forgiven, loved, accepted, and good—not because of what we do but because of what God has already done. 

以下為中文翻譯：

不會動搖的身份

過去一年我有幸成為CBCWLA的一員。這個教會大家庭對我來講很有意義，我很感恩可以分享上帝在過去一年如何帶領我。

       簡單介紹一下我自己：我是UCLA的博士生，我的專業是醫學物理。如果你們熟悉MBTI（一種心理學人格類型分類），我的性格特徵是ISFJ，這代表內向、感覺、思考，一絲不苟到近乎完美。以此看來，我重視規則、可靠、關心他人、又有點完美主義。我是獨生女，出生在中國，兩歲移民來到美國。我在華盛頓郊區的一個小鎮長大，大學畢業於匹茲堡的CMU（卡耐基美隆大學）。我的SSN⋯⋯哈哈，我們不需要透露那麼多了。如你所見，我介紹了很多我的工作、個性特徵和成長背景。多年來，我在做一個好學生、一個乖女兒和一個好人方面，找到了自己的價值。但今年，這個價值基礎在我意想不到的方式中動搖了。

      首先，大部分有著亞洲背景的人都理解，優異的學業表現被視作理所當然。從小到大，我的個人價值似乎都與我的學習好壞密切相關。在小學、中學和大學期間，我一直都是尖子生，成績優異。很多時候當我因為得了94分（而不是滿分100分）而沮喪時，朋友們都會被我惹惱。這讓我感覺自己一直在通往「成功」的道路上，來自各方的讚揚聲讓我覺得，自己已經達到並且超越了大家的期望。但這一切在我開始讀博時改變了。導師的高期望和嚴要求讓我覺得困難重重。曾經讓我充滿動力的事情（達到並超越老師的期望）帶來的是巨大的壓力和嚴重的焦慮。我越是努力工作想要證明自己，越是覺得自己無能為力。我作為「好學生」——總是表現優異，總是有答案，總是得到讚揚——的身份被打破了。

      今年另一個令我的個人價值受到重創的部份，是我在家庭中的角色。作為獨生女，我有一個非常幸福的童年。我被父母的愛和關注包圍，衣食無憂。父母讓我感到舒適和被接納，給了我堅定不移的安全感和歸屬感。然而，當我母親在2018年因病去世後，情況開始改變。特別是去年，當我父親再婚時，我面臨一個令人心碎的事實：我在家庭中的獨生女身份——我是父母世界的中心，他們也是我世界的中心——就不再一樣了。突然間，我有了一個新家庭，有了繼母和一個繼妹。我身份的一部份——對我如此關鍵的部份——似乎正在消失，而我不知道該如何抓住它。

      第三個令我的自我認同受到挑戰的原因，是我對自己「善良和關心他人的」的認知。過去幾年裡，在艱難的工作環境和家庭變化中，我發現自己變得越來越怨懟、少言，對周遭人都充滿怨恨。工作的壓力，不辜負期望的掙扎，家庭變動的悲傷──這一切都累積到我無法控制。在這期間，我展現出來很糟糕的一面。我的父親、繼母、繼妹、男友和我最親近的朋友成了我發洩沮喪的對象，我對他們說了一些讓我非常後悔的話。看到自己傷害到最關心我的人，我感到非常痛苦。

      經歷著以上三方面的挑戰，我發現，無論我把身份的基石放在哪裡，它們都成了不安全感的來源。我將身份認同放在我的成就、家庭和性格上，但這些都無法負擔我的自我價值，我極其努力地去抓住它們，卻發現它們都是脆弱和短暫的，反而使我不斷焦慮並且害怕失去它們。我們人類對自己身份認證的掙扎都是橫向尋找——在創造物中尋找定義你是誰的東西。我們可能在某個時期有一份成功的工作，有健康和滿足的關係，但這些東西可以被奪走——或者根本從來沒有。但上帝卻給了我們更重要的東西──從祂那裡垂直地接受我們的身份，這種身份永遠不會動搖。

      彼得前書2:9-10說：「惟有你們是被揀選的族類，是有君尊的祭司，是聖潔的國度，是屬神的子民，要叫你們宣揚那召你們出黑暗入奇妙光明者的美德。你們從前算不得子民，現在卻作了神的子民；從前未曾蒙憐恤，現在卻蒙了憐恤。」我覺得很奇妙，身為基督徒，上帝揀選了我們──沒有任何資格的人。為什麼祂揀選了我？我不知道為什麼；這不是因為我有什麼值得稱道的地方使我與眾不同。肯定不是因為我是一個勤奮、善良或關懷他人的人——事實上，我在每一個試圖達到的標準上都失敗了，但上帝仍然揀選了我。除了在祂腳前謙卑地領受，我什麼都做不了。福音提醒我們人罪的深度和對救贖的需求。如果靠我們自己，我們會失敗，罪使我們與聖潔的上帝分離。當我們揭開人類自欺欺人的面紗時，被迫面對我們真實的本性——我們有多扭曲和受傷。我們於是意識到無法拯救自己，而在上帝的憐憫中，耶穌基督在十字架上背負了我們的罪，擔當了我們應得的刑罰，使我們能在天父面前，被潔淨和被赦免。我們是屬於上帝的——祂將永遠與我們同行，並在個人關係中一遍又一遍地向我們顯現！祂給了我們一個新的身份，並且讓我們宣揚祂的愛和恩典。

      在我經歷了這些痛苦後，上帝讓我看到祂的憐憫。儘管我對繼母和繼妹說了可怕的話，儘管我給父親帶來了痛苦和心碎，儘管我以誇張的方式向男友和親密朋友發洩我的壓力，而我得到了他們的耐心、關心和理解。我很不堪的部份暴露了，但我不僅被接受，還被愛。完全了解自己的一切（好的和壞的），並且因為上帝而被完全地愛著是多麼奇妙！上帝看到了我父親和繼家庭（因為我心理上拒絕接受）的沮喪，並在祂的憐憫中，祂讓我意識到了他們對我堅定不移的（來自於上帝的）愛和關懷。在祂的憐憫中，上帝也為我提供了機會，使我能夠離開壓力大的工作環境，並順利過渡到另一個實驗室。這不是透過我自己的努力，而是純粹透過祂的眷顧，祂安排了合適的人在我的生活中——那些鼓勵我離開的人，理解我情況的項目主任，以及一個和我有相似研究的新實驗室，讓我能夠繼續我的工作而不延遲畢業時間。在這個過渡的每一步，上帝都守護著我，確保我不會再經歷同樣的事情。

      當我們的身份認同植根於我們的成就時，成功會帶來傲，而失敗帶來羞恥。像亞當和夏娃一樣，我們最終會試圖用「無花果葉」般的善行來掩蓋我們的缺陷，或者我們隱藏起來，被內疚壓垮。福音提供給我們的東西遠遠超過這些，這是多麼奇妙！藉著相信耶穌為我們生、為我們死而復活，我們被赦免、被愛、被接受、被稱為義，這並不是因為我們做了什麼，而是因為上帝已經為我們做了一切。

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