Mimi (Xinyi) Li 李欣怡

Mimi的分享再次提醒我们，即便在身份认同被挑战的低谷，上帝的爱依然是稳固的根基。

My name is Mimi, and I’ve been blessed to be a part of CBCWLA over the past year. This church family has been such a meaningful part of my journey, and I’m grateful to be here tonight to share how God has worked in my life this past year. 

So, a little about me: I’m a PhD student at UCLA. I’m a mechanical engineer by training. If you’re into MBTI, I am an ISFJ which stands for Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. Basically, I’m someone who values structure, reliability, taking care of others, and a just a little dose of perfectionism. I’m an only child. I was born in China, and I’m the youngest of my extended family. I grew up in a small suburb outside of Washington DC. I went to school in Pennsylvania. And my social security number is…well we don’t have to go that far.  

As you can see, I’ve spent a lot of time defining myself by my work, my personality traits, and my upbringing. For much of my life, I found my identity in being a good student, an only child, and a ‘nice’ person. But this year, that foundation was shaken in ways I never expected. 

Firstly, I think many of us, especially those from Asian backgrounds, can relate to the pressure growing up to do well in school. From a young age, it felt like a lot of my worth was tied to my academic success. And for a long time, I did well—throughout high school and college, I was consistently the top student, getting good grades and many times annoying my friends when I’d get upset over a 94 instead of a perfect 100. It felt like I was on the right path to “success”, and the praise I received made me feel like I was exceeding expectations. But that all changed when I started my PhD. Suddenly, I was thrust into a difficult environment where I was working under a supervisor with very high expectations and a strict approach. What was once a source of motivation for me—meeting and exceeding expectations—became a source of immense pressure and crippling anxiety. The more I tried to prove myself and work harder, the more I seemed to fall short. My identity as a ‘good student’—someone who always excelled, always had the answers, always received praise—shattered. 

Secondly, another part of my identity that was shaken this year was my role in my family. Growing up as an only child, I had an idyllic childhood. I was surrounded by love and attention from my parents, and I never lacked anything. With my parents, I knew an unwavering sense of safety, comfort, acceptance, and belonging. However, things began to change when my mother passed away in 2018. Then, last year, when my father remarried, I found myself facing a heartbreaking truth: my identity as the only child in our close-knit family, the center of my parents’ world and them being the center of my world, was no longer the same. Suddenly, I had a new family—one with a stepmother and a younger stepsister. It felt like a part of who I was—something so foundational to me—was slipping away, and I didn’t know how to hold on.

Thirdly, another aspect of my identity that was challenged this year was my sense of self as a “kind and caring” person. The past years, amid a toxic working environment and the changes in my family, I found myself becoming increasingly bitter, reticent, and resentful to all the people around me. The pressure at work, the constant struggle to meet expectations, the sadness of my family changing—it all built up in a way I couldn’t control. And in the midst of it, the worst of me came out. My dad, stepmom, stepsister, boyfriend, my closest friends became the targets of my frustration, and I said things to them I deeply regret. It was a painful realization to see how much hurt I was capable of causing to the very people who cared for me the most. 

The uncanny thing is, wherever I placed my identity became points of insecurity.  I placed my identity in my achievements, my family, and my character, but none of these were strong enough to bear the weight of my sense of self. Each of them—no matter how much I tried to hold on—proved fragile and temporary, leaving me constantly anxious and fearful of losing them. The normal human struggle is to look for identity horizontally—something in creation to define who you are. We might have a successful job for a season, healthy and fulfilling relationships for a season, but those things can be taken away from us—or never given to us at all. But God has designed us for something greater—to receive our identity vertically from him, something that can never be shaken. 

1 Peter 2:9-10 says “9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.”

I find it amazing that as Christians, God chose us—there is no other qualification. Why did he choose me? I do not know why; it wasn’t because of any merit or worthiness in me that set me apart. It certainly wasn’t because I was a hardworking or kind or caring person—in fact I fell short of every metric I tried to meet, yet he still chose me. There’s nothing I can do besides bow at his feet in humble acceptance. The gospel reminds us of the depth of our sin and need for salvation. Left to ourselves, we fall short, and our sin separates us from a holy God. When we unmask the human façade of self-delusion we are forced to confront our true natures—how warped and wounded we really are. In that tender place, we realize we cannot save ourselves and, in his mercy, he took our sin upon himself on the cross, absorbing the penalty we deserved, so that we might stand before him cleansed and forgiven. We are his possession—the ones he will walk among and reveal himself to over and over again in personal relation forever! He has given us a new identity in him in order that his identity might be proclaimed through us. 

In my brokenness this year, God revealed his character and mercy to me. Despite the terrible words I spoke to my stepmom and stepsister, despite the pain and heartbreak I caused my dad, despite the horrible ways I took stress out on my boyfriend and close friends, I received patience, care, and understanding. The darkest parts of me were exposed but, I was not only accepted but loved. How amazing it is to be fully known (all the good and the bad) and yet be fully loved because of Christ! God saw my father and stepfamily’s heartbreak over my refusal to accept my new family and in his mercy, he opened my eyes to see their unwavering love and care for me that can only come from Christ. In his mercy, God also made a way for me to leave my stressful work environment and transition smoothly to another lab for my PhD. It wasn’t through my own fleshy striving but purely through his care that he that placed the right people in my life—those who encouraged me to leave, a program director who understood my situation, and a new lab with similar research that allowed me to continue without delaying my graduation time. His hand was evident in every part of this transition, surrounding me with professors who cared to ensure that I wouldn’t have the same experience again.

How humbling it is to realize that when our identity is rooted in what we achieve, pride follows our successes, while failure brings shame. Like Adam and Eve, we end up trying to cover our flaws with the “fig leaves” of good works, or we hide away, burdened by guilt. How amazing it is that the gospel offers us something far better! Through faith in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection on our behalf, we are who we our—forgiven, loved, accepted, and good—not because of what we do but because of what God has already done. 

以下为中文翻译：

不会动摇的身份

过去一年我有幸成为CBCWLA的一员。这个教会大家庭对我来讲很有意义，我很感恩可以分享上帝在过去一年如何带领我。

       简单介绍一下我自己：我是UCLA的博士生，我的专业是医学物理。如果你们熟悉MBTI（一种心理学人格类型分类），我的性格特征是ISFJ，这代表内向、感觉、思考，一丝不苟到近乎完美。以此看来，我重视规则、可靠、关心他人、又有点完美主义。我是独生女，出生在中国，两岁移民来到美国。我在华盛顿郊区的一个小镇长大，大学毕业于匹兹堡的CMU（卡耐基美隆大学）。我的SSN⋯⋯哈哈，我们不需要透露那么多了。如你所见，我介绍了很多我的工作、个性特征和成长背景。多年来，我在做一个好学生、一个乖女儿和一个好人方面，找到了自己的价值。但今年，这个价值基础在我意想不到的方式中动摇了。

      首先，大部分有着亚洲背景的人都理解，优异的学业表现被视作理所当然。从小到大，我的个人价值似乎都与我的学习好坏密切相关。在小学、中学和大学期间，我一直都是尖子生，成绩优异。很多时候当我因为得了94分（而不是满分100分）而沮丧时，朋友们都会被我惹恼。这让我感觉自己一直在通往「成功」的道路上，来自各方的赞扬声让我觉得，自己已经达到并且超越了大家的期望。但这一切在我开始读博时改变了。导师的高期望和严要求让我觉得困难重重。曾经让我充满动力的事情（达到并超越老师的期望）带来的是巨大的压力和严重的焦虑。我越是努力工作想要证明自己，越是觉得自己无能为力。我作为「好学生」——总是表现优异，总是有答案，总是得到赞扬——的身份被打破了。

      今年另一个令我的个人价值受到重创的部份，是我在家庭中的角色。作为独生女，我有一个非常幸福的童年。我被父母的爱和关注包围，衣食无忧。父母让我感到舒适和被接纳，给了我坚定不移的安全感和归属感。然而，当我母亲在2018年因病去世后，情况开始改变。特别是去年，当我父亲再婚时，我面临一个令人心碎的事实：我在家庭中的独生女身份——我是父母世界的中心，他们也是我世界的中心——就不再一样了。突然间，我有了一个新家庭，有了继母和一个继妹。我身份的一部份——对我如此关键的部份——似乎正在消失，而我不知道该如何抓住它。

      第三个令我的自我认同受到挑战的原因，是我对自己「善良和关心他人的」的认知。过去几年里，在艰难的工作环境和家庭变化中，我发现自己变得越来越怨怼、少言，对周遭人都充满怨恨。工作的压力，不辜负期望的挣扎，家庭变动的悲伤──这一切都累积到我无法控制。在这期间，我展现出来很糟糕的一面。我的父亲、继母、继妹、男友和我最亲近的朋友成了我发泄沮丧的对象，我对他们说了一些让我非常后悔的话。看到自己伤害到最关心我的人，我感到非常痛苦。

      经历著以上三方面的挑战，我发现，无论我把身份的基石放在哪里，它们都成了不安全感的来源。我将身份认同放在我的成就、家庭和性格上，但这些都无法负担我的自我价值，我极其努力地去抓住它们，却发现它们都是脆弱和短暂的，反而使我不断焦虑并且害怕失去它们。我们人类对自己身份认证的挣扎都是横向寻找——在创造物中寻找定义你是谁的东西。我们可能在某个时期有一份成功的工作，有健康和满足的关系，但这些东西可以被夺走——或者根本从来没有。但上帝却给了我们更重要的东西──从祂那里垂直地接受我们的身份，这种身份永远不会动摇。

      彼得前书2:9-10说：「惟有你们是被拣选的族类，是有君尊的祭司，是圣洁的国度，是属神的子民，要叫你们宣扬那召你们出黑暗入奇妙光明者的美德。你们从前算不得子民，现在却作了神的子民；从前未曾蒙怜恤，现在却蒙了怜恤。」我觉得很奇妙，身为基督徒，上帝拣选了我们──没有任何资格的人。为什么祂拣选了我？我不知道为什么；这不是因为我有什么值得称道的地方使我与众不同。肯定不是因为我是一个勤奋、善良或关怀他人的人——事实上，我在每一个试图达到的标准上都失败了，但上帝仍然拣选了我。除了在祂脚前谦卑地领受，我什么都做不了。福音提醒我们人罪的深度和对救赎的需求。如果靠我们自己，我们会失败，罪使我们与圣洁的上帝分离。当我们揭开人类自欺欺人的面纱时，被迫面对我们真实的本性——我们有多扭曲和受伤。我们于是意识到无法拯救自己，而在上帝的怜悯中，耶稣基督在十字架上背负了我们的罪，担当了我们应得的刑罚，使我们能在天父面前，被洁净和被赦免。我们是属于上帝的——祂将永远与我们同行，并在个人关系中一遍又一遍地向我们显现！祂给了我们一个新的身份，并且让我们宣扬祂的爱和恩典。

      在我经历了这些痛苦后，上帝让我看到祂的怜悯。尽管我对继母和继妹说了可怕的话，尽管我给父亲带来了痛苦和心碎，尽管我以夸张的方式向男友和亲密朋友发泄我的压力，而我得到了他们的耐心、关心和理解。我很不堪的部份暴露了，但我不仅被接受，还被爱。完全了解自己的一切（好的和坏的），并且因为上帝而被完全地爱着是多么奇妙！上帝看到了我父亲和继家庭（因为我心理上拒绝接受）的沮丧，并在祂的怜悯中，祂让我意识到了他们对我坚定不移的（来自于上帝的）爱和关怀。在祂的怜悯中，上帝也为我提供了机会，使我能够离开压力大的工作环境，并顺利过渡到另一个实验室。这不是透过我自己的努力，而是纯粹透过祂的眷顾，祂安排了合适的人在我的生活中——那些鼓励我离开的人，理解我情况的项目主任，以及一个和我有相似研究的新实验室，让我能够继续我的工作而不延迟毕业时间。在这个过渡的每一步，上帝都守护着我，确保我不会再经历同样的事情。

      当我们的身份认同植根于我们的成就时，成功会带来傲，而失败带来羞耻。像亚当和夏娃一样，我们最终会试图用「无花果叶」般的善行来掩盖我们的缺陷，或者我们隐藏起来，被内疚压垮。福音提供给我们的东西远远超过这些，这是多么奇妙！借着相信耶稣为我们生、为我们死而复活，我们被赦免、被爱、被接受、被称为义，这并不是因为我们做了什么，而是因为上帝已经为我们做了一切。

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