b' Caogument with my dad. He wasbody went numb, and I was angry that I was not trying toshaking. I was sure that was improve my academics, whilenot my conscience or my hes-IarguedthatIwasalreadyitation, but something much tryingmybest.Aftertimesgreaterinpower.Thatone ofslammingonthedininglittle signal held the power to table, pointing and scream- pause my entire body in mo-ing, I ran back into my roomtion,frozemefromharms sobbing.Thatwasthefirstway.Thatmoment,except time I noticed the box-cutterfromthefearandsorrow,I knifesittingsilentlyonmyalsofeltwonderment,and messy tabletop. A moment oflove. Love. silent anticipation I reachedThatnight,Ididnotharm out, trying to grab the knife.myself in any way. I still end-It was the time, and Ive haded up crying my heart out un-enough.Thethoughthadtil well past midnight where I lingeredinthebackofmycried myself to sleep. Before head enough times to let meI slept through, I prayed for know this is what I wanted.the first time in a very long It would be easy; youd knowtime. This is the most mem-what to do. But right beforeorableandhear tbreaking my fingers touched the knife,prayerIhavemadesofar, I heard the little voice in meand I will remember it till the saying no.end of my days: Justasmallno.MywholeDear heavenly father. I am 57'