Qing Shen
Thirty years ago, when I first fell into depression, the biggest misconception—shared not only by society but even my own family—was this: people simply didn’t know what depression truly was. Many thought it was merely “feeling down” or even “laziness and job burnout.” This misunderstanding greatly deepened the loneliness and helplessness I felt as a patient, and it seriously hindered recovery. Thankfully, some doctors back then already had a decent understanding of depression. They helped bridge communication between us and our families, and there were effective medications that helped restore mental clarity and physical strength.
The most painful and helpless part of my journey was feeling utterly hopeless and worthless every single day, every single hour, every moment. It was as if all the knowledge I had once learned vanished from my mind. I had no mental strength to think, to learn anything new—I felt permanently disabled.
At the time, I was in the third year of my Ph.D. program. Just that past summer, I had made a major breakthrough in my dissertation research. But as the new semester began, depression crept in. I started to doubt the most critical step in my proof and couldn’t come up with a way to “fix the error.” I felt overwhelmed by anxiety and couldn’t even fulfill basic TA duties. I was caught in a vicious cycle: the more frustrated I felt, the harder it became to think. The harder it was to think, the more frustrated I got. I couldn’t see a way out and believed I had become useless, completely worthless.
News of my condition quickly reached brothers and sisters from the church and fellowship who had been guiding my spiritual journey. They began coming to my home to pray for me. At the time, my mind was completely blank. If someone wanted to pray for me or take me to church, I would just go along, dazed and unthinking.
One day, they invited my whole family to attend an evangelistic rally by Pastor Bingcheng Feng. During the message, Pastor Feng said, “God is love. Jesus Christ loved us sinners so much that He gave His life on the cross and rose again.” In that moment, something stirred in my heart. For over twenty years, I had prized ability and excellence above all else. But what I had been lacking the most was that kind of unconditional love—like God’s love. Without that love, how hard it is to go on living!
It felt as if someone who had been suffocating finally received a breath of oxygen. I realized that love is like oxygen—life’s most essential support. And Jesus Christ is the one who connected us to this “oxygen tube” with His own life. Right there and then, I raised my hand to accept Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and Lord of my life. Afterward, I broke down in tears, crying in front of the crowd for a long time. A great weight lifted from my heart. That day, I finally grasped the most essential truth about life.
Sadly, after making this decision, I didn’t immediately continue studying the Bible. I simply returned to staying home, waiting to recover. Even so, God helped me in various ways—especially through my psychiatrist, who adjusted my medication. Within two to three months after the evangelistic event, I gradually broke free from the cycle of negative thoughts and was able to refocus on my studies and work. That’s when I discovered that the part of my dissertation I had doubted was actually correct—and even solvable by other means. All that anxiety and frustration had been completely unnecessary.
Since I was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the symptoms continued to recur in the first two years. But thank the Lord—in the second year of my illness, a breakthrough medication was released. After carefully reviewing my case, one doctor prescribed me a very small daily dose. It almost completely healed my sleep issues and manic tendencies.
It was also during this time that I began attending church regularly. After joining the West Los Angeles Chinese Baptist Church, I was baptized and began actively participating in worship, fellowship, and Bible study. I was overjoyed to discover that our God is not only the source of love—those values I deeply cherished, like justice, righteousness, and goodness, are also His attributes. And God calls us to uphold them not only in times of peace, but also through hardship.
As I continued walking with the Lord, through highs and lows, I felt more and more tangibly the tremendous grace I had received from God and from honest and kind people around me—family, friends, coworkers, and fellow believers. It felt like I was breathing fresh, life-giving “oxygen” from a divine source. My heart gradually moved from chronic tension and anxiety toward peace and joy. My persistent symptoms of fear, anxiety, and depression began to ease, and my life began to enter a state of rest and abundance. I also grew more willing to share the gospel with those in need, hoping they too might find salvation, peace, joy, and a new life of great worth.
From my personal experience, depression is a real physical illness. Prolonged sadness, fear, and anxiety can temporarily rob someone of their ability to think or function. It’s like a form of “wear and tear” on the nervous system—just as other parts of the body can suffer injuries, like lower back strain.
The causes of depression might lie in a lack of love during childhood, or long-term overwork and lack of rest that result in sustained nervous tension and fatigue. Eventually, the nervous system breaks down and loses its ability to self-regulate.
If someone around me were going through depression, I would stop and truly listen to their pain. Then I’d tell them: “I understand. What you’re going through is a real illness.” Many patients view life and evaluate themselves through a distorted lens—they’re not seeing things clearly. What they need is sufficient rest and proper treatment.
I would also encourage them to step into a church or a fellowship and come before the Lord Jesus. Because Jesus once said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). God is love. Jesus gave His life for us out of love and rose again—He is our eternal hope. In His love, there is no fear, only courage, forgiveness, strength, and the way back to the Father.
